The Third Verse

To say that my life has experienced some changes in the past few years would be an understatement and "in your face" obvious!  Cancer changes things.  The cancer world makes sure we know about mastectomies, chemo, support groups,hair loss, nausea etc. That same source says we can "overcome "; we can run races and wear t-shirts and model wigs. We can give rousing speeches, attend events and inspire everyone as we hand out pink ribbons.

I read all that.  This was my fourth round with cancer and was by far the hardest battle. I remembered the feelings and phases of the other times. I remember.  I had and still have an absolute dream of a husband and a great support system, for which I am grateful. God still loves me. The tomb is still empty and God's benevolent grace pours over me  continuously. These things were and still are my daily, hourly, minute by minute strengths. 

But here, at 10 months since finishing chemo, things are different. I saw a meme on Facebook that said something about feeling as left out as the third verse of a hymn!  That's funny, except that it's not. While many worshippers know the hymns by heart, and we know the page number, the tune and three of the four verses. We have commented and chuckled over this for as long as I can remember.The third verse is often as uplifting and powerful as 1, 2, and 4.  And yet......  I feel like I am in the third verse of my life.....or I AM the third verse.  

I am proud of and grateful for my heritage. My parents became Christians when I was five years old.  Our family dedicated our lives to serving God and others. We were hard workers. My parents as well as my extended family worked in the logging industry. When dad started preaching and church planting, both he and mom continued to work alongside ministry.  My siblings and I had jobs always, from paper routes to working in the fields before we could drive to fast food, tarring roofs, throwing hay bales, and yes still delivering newspapers after. We were raised right, (IMO).   

As an adult, I continued to work and tried to be faithful to my heavenly Father. I loved working in healthcare, feeling I was helping! But, what I loved most was teaching.  I cannot remember a time when I wasn't teaching Sunday school classes, both to kids and women.  I had a sense of purpose both spiritually and secularly,.  It was a great life!

When cancer came again, I was forced to quit my job due to my health.  At first, I was ok with this...I was so tired...chemo fatigue is real.  So I rested!  I continued teaching until I noticed I could no longer remember and I got confused easily and said things that were incorrect.  The kids and the ladies were so patient with me!  Thinking it was simply "chemo brain" (also real), I prayed for it to pass. But it didn't.  Oncology says it could be permanent 😔.   I am thankful my students, both the youth and the ladies, know enough Bible to ask questions. They question me when I said the wrong things.. when I called the Philistines the Palestinians... they asked.  When I confused Macedonia with Mesopotamia, they asked.  Fearing, I would make greater mistakes, I stopped teaching and became a student.

This is a struggle for me. And while I would never ever want to teach incorrectly, I am struggling. I know it was the right decision.. because after all, it's not about me.  I know James teaches us that not many should be teachers. I know that I can still be useful!  I just haven't found where God wants to use me.  I console and encourage myself with studying His Word and praying to be useful.  Growth often happens in the valley so I am trying to be open to that growth.  And so until God heals me, until I am rested and my thoughts are clearer, I will continue to delight in the Lord and learn to be content as a third verse.

Blessings,

Neva